Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Afraid.
Sun Yanzi once said in her concert, When I was young, I used to be afraid that I'll get into trouble in school because my parents were teachers. I don't wish to disgrace them. But now, they ain't the ones I'm afraid of anymore. In fact, the ones that I'm afraid of are the reporters. I'm fine with them asking me able my relationship, but they are the ones that write things, which ain't true. Sometimes I feel sad for her, for the songs she have sang and have written it. They are those sad and lonely sides that no one sees.
I am one who is not sanguine by nature. Maybe that is how my face is always smile-less and that is why I always have comments like hey! smile more! or why she so dao one? Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to smile or rather, it is a chore for me to smile. However, I've learnt to make the effort to smile, to say hi and to be careful with my speeches when I get tired. I used to smile because I'm afraid of further misunderstanding. But as the days past, I've forsaken the path of clearing them up, I think.
I used to take things at a time, but not anymore. With the expectations from others, I'm being forced to live up to it, and to go beyond it. I'm afraid, tired and stressed up of this kind of living. But, I can't live the way I want it too. I've responsiblities that I can't possibly shove it aside and pursue my own way of living; it'll be too selfish to do that. Sometimes, I just want to withdraw myself from this world, and go to another part to live.
I'm also, like any other girls, have times that I want to experience tangible love. But, I know the hurts that comes after is unbearable to me. Hurts have occurred to me, not so much that I've become numb, but too deep that I don't know how to react. Sometimes, I'm just too afraid to love anymore.
F&N. The subject that I used to do well and enjoy seems so distant from me. The value, the people, the teacher. I wouldn't deny the fact that there are times I wish to drop, but knowing that I can do well, and have to do well, I carried on. I wonder it was me who had changed, or the surrounding. But one thing I know, I'm afraid of F&N, literally.
There are times I cry myself to sleep because there are just so many things that I'm afraid with but couldn't voice out. And there are times my heart cries; for the world, the happenings, the people, and for love.
As for now, words and actions that comes out from me, were a facade that I have to put up with. I hope that I'll find back my drive and my identity in no time. Meanwhile, please pray for me.
When will be the day where this mask can be removed,
that reveals a smile and draws a curve on every face.
maoed.]
at 11:06 AM
